Grace At The Table - How to Have a Happy and Healthy Thanksgiving

Summary

In this episode of Speaking of Faith, Bishop DeDe and Adam dive into the complexities of Thanksgiving gatherings, emphasizing the importance of faith, preparation, and emotional health. They explore strategies for navigating family dynamics, setting healthy boundaries, managing expectations, and fostering gratitude and compassion during the holiday season. The discussion highlights the significance of being mindful of triggers, the role of grief in family gatherings, and the need for self-care and support.

Takeaways

• Thanksgiving can bring up old wounds and grief.
• Preparation is key to managing Thanksgiving gatherings.
• Setting boundaries is essential for emotional health.
• It's important to anticipate potential triggers.
• Compassion for others helps us feel compassion for ourselves.
• Establishing healthy boundaries is a holy act.
• We should focus on gratitude and love during Thanksgiving.
• Self-care is crucial before, during and after family gatherings.
• Recognizing grief can help us navigate family dynamics.
• Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate relationships and give thanks.

Chapters

00:00 Navigating Thanksgiving with Faith
06:14 Setting Healthy Boundaries
12:10 Managing Expectations and Emotions
18:08 Gratitude and Compassion in Thanksgiving

AI Disclosure: To support our staff in their limited time, many of our episode summaries are first generated by AI and then edited by the Communications Director to accurately reflect and preview our podcast episodes.

Transcript

Bishop DeDe (00:02.562)

Hey friends, Bishop DeDe Duncan-Probe here. I'm the Episcopal Bishop of Central New York, that's Canada to Pennsylvania, Utica to Elmira, and that whole section of New York State. I'm here with Adam Eichelberger, our communications director, and we are going to speak about faith, speaking about what it is that we believe, and especially today, we're speaking of faith in terms of Thanksgiving. Now this year,

Thanksgiving may be even more tense than normal. Whenever families get together at Thanksgiving, there can be stresses, old wounds that come out, and let us not forget that around those Thanksgiving tables, there are more people than those present. There are the people who may have died this past year, and the grief of that. may be people who died years ago, or situations that have been forgotten that come back to light.

And so when the family gets together, there can be people grieving gathering around that table. And then the expectation is that everyone is giving thanks and being happy while they eat and watch football. So for this year, it seemed like a good idea to talk about how do we speak of faith around the Thanksgiving table, especially in this time post-election, when there's so much potential.

for damage or being triggered or harm. And so there are just a couple of like thoughts, news you can use kind of things that we'll talk about today. And I encourage you as we're talking to think of your own strategies for how you're planning to handle your Thanksgiving gathering. For those of you who may be looking forward to it and everyone is of one mind, I think you should celebrate you're in the, I'm not even sure, 0.1%.

Bishop DeDe (01:56.5)

Often, often for Thanksgiving, people are gathering with folks. They don't see that often. And, you know, there's just a pattern to it, isn't there? You know, about, you can almost plan for it. And so what I would propose to you is that you do in fact plan for it, that you prepare yourself, prepare the space if it's at your house or, or have something with you when you're going to Thanksgiving. That's, that's a way of a touch point for you.

to remember who you are and to ground yourself, to prepare yourself by sleeping and getting exercise for the day, to limit alcohol use. Sometimes the way we address Thanksgiving is to drink more, which then lowers our ability to actually manage things. And so to limit alcohol and possibly even caffeine so that we have all of our best faculties for the day. And then,

to prepare ourselves possibly by listening to music, by praying, by taking a moment to consider all the blessings of our life and what it is we want to give thanks for, the ways in which we are thankful for each person who is gathering. Now, another way of preparing is with our own expectations. If your family gathers year after year and there tends to be the uncle who's gonna say the thing he shouldn't say or,

or the person who's being the martyr in the kitchen cooking, or if there are these sort of trends, you can often predict how Thanksgiving's gonna go because of last year and the year before and kind of how it happens. So to give yourself the opportunity to think about these patterns, what is the usual sort of flow of Thanksgiving? Do tensions get a little tight right before you eat because people are...

you know, hangry and they're about to sit down and eat, but there's anxiety about the meal. Do people get anxious after the dessert course when they've had a little too much to drink and the football game didn't go the way it was supposed to? Each of us has the opportunity to think about that flow of Thanksgiving and then prepare ourselves. What if the person you're dreading saying the thing says the thing? And what if they said, so what would your response be? How do you wish?

Bishop DeDe (04:17.934)

How will you wish you have responded when Uncle So-and-so says the thing that triggers you? To plan in advance things that you can say. Plan in advance topics to bring up that are neutral or happy topics. If there's someone who's really into gardening, to become prepared with gardening questions or conversation starters. And if there are conversations you know are points of triggering, to not bring those up.

Thanksgiving is not gonna be the day that you finally work through the difference with Uncle so-and-so. It just won't be. It won't be the day that you have the quickest argument to talk someone out of their perspective. It will be the day that people come defensive, grieving, fearful, anxious, unsure, but wanting to assert their own power. And so we can choose how we go into that space and say, all right, I'm gonna be

in this frame of mind, I wanna have these things to say. And then of course, if Thanksgiving really isn't a safe space for you, for your child or for someone who's traveling with you, to really consider if this is the year to do something different, to do it in a different way, to leave earlier than you would, to come later than you might normally, to let someone know we're gonna be there for the dinner, I don't really wanna talk about the game.

I need to set these boundaries. Thanksgiving can be a time when we really do come together and give thanks for one another, where we do celebrate with our families, but we first have to be aware of the ways in which being with family can trigger us. And so if there's safety issues, whether it's emotional, physical, or other, to be attentive to that, to be gentle with yourself, and to be invitational to the people who'll be there with you.

So, Adam, as you listen to this, what things come to mind for you in terms of Thanksgiving and preparing ourselves for this day?

Adam Eichelberger (06:24.805)

Well, I think one of the things that you said, Bishop, kind of hits the nail right on the head for me is I think sometimes we get into these scenarios and we assume the best intent. Like we, we, there's people that we love, family and friends that are going to be around the table and we want to go because of how much we really do care about them deeply. But sometimes, like you said, these things can kind of turn ugly. So one of the first things I wanted to ask, and you kind of said this, and I wanted to come back and revisit it for a little bit.

It's kind of a two-parter. First off, can you talk a little bit more about how we can do a good job at setting healthy boundaries when we're at the Thanksgiving celebration or even when we're looking ahead to like Christmas? And then secondly, what are some ideas or things that we can do if and when things do get ugly? Because I know sometimes we want to go and we want to be involved.

Bishop DeDe (06:57.633)

Mm-hmm.

Adam Eichelberger (07:20.997)

And we're like, this year it's not going to happen because so-and-so is doing better or whatever. So what are the things that we can do when the expectations don't get met and we need to have a change of plan? What are some things we can think about with those?

Bishop DeDe (07:22.946)

That's right.

Bishop DeDe (07:34.702)

That's a great question. for the listeners, may, as you're hearing those questions, something may come to mind for you. I think we do go into Thanksgiving wanting it to be like a postcard, wanting it to be kind of like, we're all gonna be so happy and it's just gonna be this halcyon days, but to be realistic and say, you know, it's very likely that this subject will come up. And so we came up.

I did my best to sort of set a boundary by saying, you know, this year I'd like to not talk about that. Or, you know, when we talk about this, I think you know that you have an opinion, I have an opinion. Let's talk about something else and to name it, to say today is a day for Thanksgiving. It is not a day for us to argue partisan politics. This is not a time for us to try to see who's best. I would like to be about us having a good day. So could we do that?

and to invite the other person to join with you. This may not be possible. And when it does go south and you find your temper rising or you're being triggered, change the pattern. Ask one of your relatives or someone who's there who you feel comfortable with, hey, can we go for a walk around the block? We'll be right back. We're gonna go take a minute to change the pattern.

And if someone gets upset and says, what are you doing going for a walk? Say, you know, I'm going to take a break because right now I need to do that for myself. And to name it, people who are uncomfortable with you naming it, weren't going to be happy anyway. But when we name that I need to take a break, that's an invitation to another, the other person to say, okay, I've, I've gone too far.

And to just kind of come back when you feel that temperature rising, to just come back to deescalate the tension, to think cool thoughts as some counselors will say, to change the pattern, to put some fun music on if that's the situation, to just change the narrative. And there's a lot of ways we can do that that are helpful and good and will not put people.

Bishop DeDe (09:53.498)

you know, put people off, we can say, I'm gonna go in and start doing some of the dishes, you know, and just change the narrative. Just remove yourself from the situation, change it. And then the second part, remind me what the second part was of, okay, I answered that part.

Adam Eichelberger (10:08.827)

So the importance of establishing healthy boundaries.

Bishop DeDe (10:12.778)

Mm-hmm. Well, it's very important to establish healthy boundaries because we are not people with an unlimited source of goodwill. And so we come into the situation with our glass full and somebody says something that triggers us and there's water, it's poured out. Something is said about something we value very deeply and water gets poured out. And pretty soon there's no water left in our glass and we kind of explode.

so to manage our own emotions, to be very attentive to how we're doing and to have times to say, okay, I'm going to be at this house for four hours. Once an hour, I'm going to set my watch or I'm going to set my phone. And once an hour, I'm going to stop, check my temperature, see how I'm doing. We don't have control over the other people. can't set boundaries for them other than saying, no, please do not say this to me.

And I want to especially acknowledge if you're in a hostile environment as a person of color or an LGBTQ plus person and someone is pushing that boundary and being offensive, it is totally appropriate for you to set a boundary and say, do not talk to me in that manner. And if it goes too far to say, you know, I need to leave now. And to give yourself permission to keep yourself safe and

to hold yourself accountable for keeping other people safe. Because if you happen to be the person who does normally say the thing that annoys somebody, to say this year, I'm gonna not see it, I'm gonna not say it, I said it, I wanna apologize to you, I intended not to say that, and I'm sorry that I had said that. I would like to start over, is there a way that I can help rectify the situation? To take responsibility for how we want it to go. We often put the responsibility on other people.

Adam Eichelberger (11:43.729)

That's right.

Bishop DeDe (12:10.038)

Now, if Uncle So-and-so just hadn't brought that up, I wouldn't have had to be so hostile. But we need to hold the responsibility that we have and say, you know, no matter what Uncle So-and-so does, I'm going to be responsible for my actions and remind myself that I have agency. I can say no, I can say yes, I can change the narrative. can walk away and I can be silent. I can just be quiet for a minute and give myself space.

Adam Eichelberger (12:14.182)

Hmm.

Bishop DeDe (12:40.76)

There's also a wonderful prayer that I think is a good Thanksgiving prayer to use, which is a prayer on with it incorporates breathing. That when you breathe in, you think come Holy Spirit and you breathe out and think, you know, heal me with your grace or a verse to think ahead and say, okay, on Thanksgiving day, this is going to be my prayer. When I breathe in, I'm going to say, I'm going to think this thought when I breathe out, I'm going to think this thought and to do that.

Bishop DeDe (13:10.158)

seven to 10 times right in a row to breathe in nice and deeply. Take a minute, breathe out and remember the words that center you, whether it's come Holy Spirit, a passage of scripture, a poem, and to let yourself have space where you're setting a boundary and saying, I'm gonna center myself. We've spent a lot of time talking about the armor of God in recent episodes and I commend that to our listeners.

Adam Eichelberger (13:33.039)

Right.

Bishop DeDe (13:41.607)

to really, as you're preparing for Thanksgiving, to put on the belt of truth. You're gonna speak truth in helpful ways, not harsh ways. I sometimes truth telling can be a blunt instrument, but we're gonna tell truth. Like, you know, I love you, I know you love me, and I don't think we wanna fight this year. Let's do something else. The game on the TV, you know, they're a...

Cowboys fan, you're an Eagles fan. I mean, you know, it could be a problem. And to say, you know, our love for each other is bigger than a football game. And whether you say it to them or you say it in your own head, to just think, I'm gonna take a moment, I'm gonna pray, I'm gonna breathe deeply and pray, center myself and be willing to just say, no, I can't.

Adam Eichelberger (14:12.39)

Go Birds!

Bishop DeDe (14:38.86)

I can't continue now. Of all Thanksgivings, this might be the one to say, you know, maybe we need to limit time or maybe I'm gonna do something else this year and I'll see you at Christmas, give myself some time. We can only be successful when we have the tools to be successful with. And so if it's too much, it's too much and no kind of thinking ourself.

Adam Eichelberger (14:58.929)

Absolutely.

Bishop DeDe (15:07.754)

is going to cure that? yeah, no, I think that's a good question.

Adam Eichelberger (15:10.643)

yeah. And it's also important for us to remember that the establishment of boundaries, that in and of itself is a holy act because God cares deeply about us as his beloved children, right? So when we establish boundaries, that is a holy act. And it's like you said, Bishop, and I don't think anybody, if you're listening to this, if you're watching this is hearing us say,

Bishop DeDe (15:21.869)

Yes.

Bishop DeDe (15:26.99)

Mm-hmm.

Bishop DeDe (15:31.532)

Yeah.

Adam Eichelberger (15:37.295)

Okay, like we're abandoning the family. No, those establishment of boundaries, I heard it, I think it was like on a TikTok or like an Instagram reel. It's when I establish boundaries, it's not because I'm trying to keep you out of my life. I'm trying to keep you in my life. So when we do that stuff, we're trying to keep these people that we love, these relationships that we value together by establishing those boundaries. And I think that it's really great to remember that, hey, if we can't do it this year, that doesn't mean that that's forever.

Bishop DeDe (15:57.484)

Right? Exactly.

Bishop DeDe (16:06.486)

Now it's just one year. Right.

Adam Eichelberger (16:06.605)

This isn't a forever solution. We're being mindful of, maybe right now I need to hold this space for myself. And that's okay. There'll be plenty of restaurants who will be open who you can door dash from or whatever it is that you got to do to get through the day. And one of the things I wanted to kind of suggest, this has been really helpful for me in my own life. as, somebody who comes from a home where substance abuse, substance use disorder was an issue later on in my life, I discovered the value of an organization called Al-Anon.

Bishop DeDe (16:17.815)

Right.

Bishop DeDe (16:36.406)

Uh-huh.

Adam Eichelberger (16:36.709)

which is for people who came up in families with alcoholism present. And this may be a great time to explore going to a meeting and being able to talk to folks around the holiday times that are going through maybe similar circumstances and maybe just be able to hear and listen other people's experience, strength and hope as is like to say, one of the things I picked up in that group that I go to is sometimes I need to remember that I got to stop going to the hardware store expecting to get bread.

Bishop DeDe (17:05.591)

Right.

Adam Eichelberger (17:05.743)

So sometimes I have to be mindful of right now, maybe not be the time later. Maybe it can be the time.

Bishop DeDe (17:10.518)

Okay. Right. Now that's right. And that leads right into what I was going to talk about next, which is how we manage our issues. And you bring up Al-Anon, there's AA, to be attentive to the fact that we need support. And so seeing our counselors before and after Thanksgiving, prepping ourselves for what it's going to be like, paying attention to what does trigger us and what is harmful. And then also to be sure that we're being

good stewards of our own physical health. When we're not tending to ourselves and then we get upset with other people, then it is hard to make that work. So Al-Anon is a great choice, AA to see our counselors, to read something that's soothing and comforting. But then most of all on that day, to really be attentive to what we are eating and drinking and doing. It is not the day to be over indulging.

in terms of drinking. Obviously it's a day when, you know, a food fest and everybody's eating tons of food, but that can raise issues for some of us too where we feel guilty or we, you know, so to the purpose of Thanksgiving, to remind ourselves of the purpose, the purpose of Thanksgiving is to come together and to give thanks. And so what draws us to thankfulness, gratitude, love, kindness, generosity?

Really taking account of the blessings of this life. Maybe to have a new habit at this Thanksgiving table to say, not only are we gonna go around and say something we were thankful for, but a way that we've been blessed by one another. Something that we, this year, commit what we're making to each other. That this year I'm gonna pray for you every day. This year I'm gonna think of you, I'm gonna call you once a week to.

to make sure that Thanksgiving isn't some sort of extraneous aspect to our lives, that each day for these relationships we value, that we are able to be in a place of Thanksgiving and gratitude and back to the setting boundaries, accountability. We are accountable one to the other. And if we know that by bringing up how great the Cowboys are, it's going to trigger the Eagles fans.

Bishop DeDe (19:35.49)

then maybe we let that go. We don't have to win on every argument. Or if we know that someone has felt a way with us to be sensitive to that and have compassion, whenever we show compassion to another person, it allows us to more fully feel compassion for ourselves and vice versa. And so in this Thanksgiving time on this day, to make sure that we're paying attention to what Thanksgiving actually is.

Adam Eichelberger (19:39.396)

Mm-hmm.

Bishop DeDe (20:05.64)

It is a day to gather with family, to share love and tell people that we love them. And when things don't go right, it is a day to say, you know, I don't want this to be how we gather. I want us to gather differently than this. And my Pope, always, what is it that to ask one of our family members, what is it that you're wanting out of this? We can certainly fight all day, but what if we didn't? What if we...

Adam Eichelberger (20:30.991)

Hmm.

Bishop DeDe (20:32.024)

played a game, what if we listen to music, what if we won't go for a walk, what if we do something that's productive and life-giving and happy? And for the person, there's usually one in every crowd, I will say, who is very worried that everything be exactly perfect, like the turkey and the whatever's gotta be just so, to breathe and accept that for them, that's part of their feeling safe or grounded or valuable or something else.

Adam Eichelberger (20:49.777)

Hmm.

Bishop DeDe (21:00.78)

to have compassion for one another. And then finally back to what I said at the beginning to recognize that with every Thanksgiving and every family gathering, there is some form of grief present. And so to be gentle with ourselves with our grief, to recognize that grief makes us feel uncomfortable in ways where we want to sort of wrestle with it and it's a sorrow. And so to allow ourselves the space to feel that.

and maybe channel that into something that we find comforting. To light a candle and say we're all gonna have a quiet time of prayer for those who are not with us. And share something we remember with joy about that person. To give ourselves space to fully live our life with joy and with thanksgiving.

So dear listeners, I hope this has been helpful for you. I hope this Thanksgiving that as you gather with those you love, you'll find safe space within yourself. You'll put on the armor of God and have that sense of being protected, but also that you'll act with your best self and that you'll find ways to give thanks and be with those you love most and have it truly be a day of celebration and joy.

May you be blessed. give thanks for you and I look forward to seeing you after Thanksgiving. Take good care and God be with you.